Hoarsemeat...a song inspired by Shetland ponies

Hoarsemeat

(I understand that in parts of Holland and Belgium, you used to see little rural houses, each with a tethered Shetland pony on the lawn. Just as some people keep a pig or chickens, fattening them up for the oven or pot, so it was the habit to fatten up your Sheltie for - what must have been a very large - Christmas dinner). And they must have had enormous ovens...

A link to a rough recording is at the end of the lyrics...


I feel like a shetland Pony in the rain and snow

I feel like a Shetland pony with no place to go

We love Shetland ponies they are always in demand

In petting zoos and parks and pies, in burgers and in cans

I'm a horse

I'm a horse

I'm a hoarse horse, a very hoarse horse indeed

I'm a horse

I'm a horse of course

I'm a hoarse horse a very hoarse horse indeed

What use is a shetland Pony if it cannot neigh?

If I was a Shetland Pony I'd have lots to say

In Belgium or Romania they'd kill me for my meat

If I could speak I'd ask them if they found it nice and sweet

Chorus

If I was a Shetland Pony I'd be short and fat

I would not let anybody bother me for that

In a beef lasagne you might find a piece of me

At least I can assure you that you won't get BSE

Chorus

http://cdn.tapparatus.com/audioShare/mp3/PBYHrrPK0KhDXI7.mp3

Letter to The Shetland Times and Shetland News

Total Tosh from Tottering TOT

Just some points of information for Shetland Islands Council's Transport Operations Team (TOT) and its leader, David Polson, regarding the proposed closure of the Viking Bus station and freight centre.

1 - You work for Shetland Islands Council, not Lerwick Town Council. 'Shetland' is a very scattered rural community and maintaining its public transport network is absolutely crucial.

2 - Some people don't have cars. Indeed, some folk are thinking of giving up their cars, especially in  view of yet another proposed increase in fuel duty

3 - There are people in Shetland who are elderly, poor, young or who choose not to pollute the atmosphere with gigantic pickup trucks or executive sports saloons. They depend not just on buses to get to and from Lerwick - some of them even work in toon, possibly for the disgracefully centralised council - but on the Viking Bus station. They can leave their shopping there, lock up their belongings. They can have a seat. They can use the toilets, arrange for parcels to be sent to the bus stop nearest home. they can - and I know this is a novel concept - wait for buses.

4 - Tourists sometimes come to Shetland. I know it seems odd not to wish to fly to Tenerife or visit your holiday bungalow in Florida, but not everyone has the glorious and secure income supplied by the SIC. Some of these tourists don't bring their cars. They like using public transport. The Viking bus station is Shetland's 'public transport hub'. Again, a strange concept for a Transport Operations Team to get its collective head around. But there you go

5 - Yes, 20 pence a parcel for bussing goods about Shetland is a ludicrously low price. Quadruple it. Quintuple it, it's still cheap. Raise some money. Earn some money. 

6 - Closing the Viking Bus Station would save what is the cash equivalent in annual wages of two junior SIC managers. While eradicating two jobs.

7 - As far as I remember, at no time during the extensive public consultation carried out by the previous council on savings was anything as downright ludicrous, contemptible and contemptuous suggested.

Councillors will meet on Friday to debate this ridiculous report. Unanimous rejection of it is the only acceptable outcome.

Paradise by the Spittoon Moon...

...my new column in The Caledonian Mercury is online, and is all about my reluctance to actually taste 22 of the best whiskies in the world...

http://caledonianmercury.com/2013/01/28/malt-and-barley-review-paradise-by-the-spittoon-moon/0037047

Whisky, Captain Haddock, Tin Tin and Loch Lomond

My new Malt and Barley Review column in Scotland's online newspaper, the Caledonian Mercury.

http://caledonianmercury.com/2013/01/14/malt-and-barley-review-avast-the-names-haddock-send-me-some-loch-lomond-whisky/0036764

You can buy Loch Lomond whisky via Amazon here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00903I2OY/ref=ox_sc_act_title_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=A3UPHKKNM6M0UY

However, the item description indicating that the whisky 'has been made in Loch Lomond for 180 years' is a trifle dodgy. The Loch Lomond Distillery in Alexandria was converted from a dye works in 1963.

Three songs from The Whisky Companion - a work in progress

As Christmas looms, and the consumption of what Para Handy called 'Bruttish Spurrits' reaches a seasonal high, I thought I'd post a link to three songs from a proposed show called The Whisky Companion, currently at the planning stage.

https://soundcloud.com/thebeatcroft/sets/the-whisky-companion

This will involve, I hope some top singers and musicians, and possibly an act-orr, or someone who can speak loudly and with a resonant twang.

The more perspiciacious among you may note some similarities to The Malt and Barley Revue, which, in  various forms, has been performed across Scotland over the past three years. But there will new songs, new people, new poems and more and better whisky to taste.

At the moment, the show, which I hope will be sponsored by either one of the independent whisky bottlers or one of the distillers with a variety of drams in their portfolio, has  three sections:

 ‘The Country and the Cratur” is about place, language, names of distilleries, how landscape affects whisky, how whisky is the soul of Scotland. 'The Scottish international' is a light hearted look at Scottish identity - with samples of Scottish foods to try with whisky Stories, too, about everything from elopement to Japan and English and Welsh whisky. Finally, ‘We are all Connoisseurs Now’ looks at how you drink whisky, how to appreciate it, some jokes about pretentiousness, and a final celebration of  how Scotch whisky IS Scotland.

Poems, stories and plenty of banter to tie it together. Plus, of course, every audience member gets three whiskies to nose and taste, under expert guidance. Sort of.

https://soundcloud.com/thebeatcroft/sets/the-whisky-companion