Friday, August 21, 2020

My August podcasts and columns in Scotland Correspondent Magazine

 Some of you will already be aware of my work for the free online monthly magazine Scotland Correspondent - soon to change its name to Discover Scotland.

I write a whisky column, and produce two podcasts - The Musical Correspondent, an hour long showcase for traditional and contemporary Scottish music with a folk bent, and Strange Tales From Thin Places, stories about Scotland's supernatural and monstrous mythology.

Look out for news about Discover Scotland in September.

Thursday, August 20, 2020

Two weeks a Year (60 Grand Motorhome)

Two weeks a year

I was always a wanderer,  restless at heart
Ready to range and to roam
Now the road beckons me, I’m wild and free
In my new 50 grand motor home
I have Steppenwolf Springsteen and Zeppelin on my phone
I let Aly Bain and Phil Cunningham play
 I cry at Margaret’s Waltz Thunder Road, Born to Run
I weep during Thought for the Day

Two weeks a year
Two weeks a year
When I leave the driveway
I’m King of the highway 
Two weeks a year

I park up in laybys to empty my tank
I let all that waste fluid flow
I'm sure that those chemicals nourish the earth
And the mess will eventually go
I’ve got Harley, a Vintage Fat Boy
It’s in the conservatory 
I never ride it I just sit astride it
And think of places I could be

In winter I put the van safely away
wrapped in clingfilm in a heated garage
Then I sit on my Fat Boy sip single malts 
And watch videos of Nigel Farage

Two weeks a year
Two weeks a year
Any longer than that
You might as well rent a flat
Two weeks a year

20 year’s holidays 
All already paid

Copyright Tom Morton 2020

Friday, August 14, 2020

And God Created Midges

And God created midges

I dreamt I went to heaven, and that’s by no means certain
I said  to God, now listen, I have a question
In all of your creation, so wondrous and rich
Why did you give Scotland the  evil of the  midge?
We could’ve had Koala bears or cockatoos
Elephants and pandas, meerkats or kangaroos
Is it that you hate us? I sometimes think you do
You made us play the bagpipes
And gave us those neighbours too

God said, oh Scotland
You are divinely blessed
Of all the countries I have made
I think that you’re the best
A few small imperfections
That’s the price you have to pay
You’re where I like to go on holiday

But I take your name in vain, I said
I scratch and itch
Due to Cullicoides impunctatus
The biting midge
I inhaled a swarm in Ullapool 
I spluttered and I coughed
And nearly poisoned myself
With Avon Skin So Soft
God said I will admit
The bagpipes were a joke
As for making men wear dresses
That was a masterstroke 
But divinity must be amused
And when I traverse the Cuillin Ridge
I enjoy infesting motorhomes with my favourite breeds of midge 

The midges keep the camper vans away
I will release a billion more today

Friday, August 07, 2020

Scottish Teeth

Scottish teeth

For more than six months I've been waiting
But now my molars are disintegrating
I would even vote for Nicola Sturgeon
If she could provide me with a dental surgeon
Infection is inflaming my features
But they're saying: No aerosol procedures
It's my belief 
I'm suffering from Scottish teeth

I was going to go to Hungary to get some crowns
But my trip fell victim to the first lockdown
And when the toothache started I was in distress
I had no option but the NHS
I got an appointment I was going to be seen
But alas these days I live in Aberdeen
There's no relief
I'm suffering from Scottish teeth

I was raised on Black striped balls and Irn Bru
Soor Plooms, Love Hearts,McCowan's Toffee too
Double nougats and sliders with raspberry sauce
Macaroon bars and sherbet straws
Tunnocks caramel wafers and teacakes
And that special tablet my granny would make

They used to take out all your teeth in your 16th birthday
In Glasgow, that was the kind and generous way
Instead I got mercury fillings galore
The jags and the drilling were both always sore
But now I'd give anything for some oral action
I'll vote for whoever will get me an extraction
Oh good grief
I'm suffering from Scottish teeth

Copyright tom Morton 2020

Tuesday, August 04, 2020

Shopping (A Trotskyist's Ascent to the House of Lords)

A Trotskyist ascends to the House of Lords

Clothes you throw away and never clean
Queuing up at Primark
No need for a washing machine
In Edinburgh it’s Primarque
And then it’s off to Lidl or Aldi Or Liddell  
We former Trotskyists need retail therapy as well

Shopping - It will heal the nation
Shopping - Our economy's salvation
Shopping - These days I’m never bored
Now I’m in the House of Lords I can afford to go shopping 

I got two for one deals
In Tesco just the other day
On Gordon’s, Beefeater, Bombay Sapphire and Tanqueray
I know my lack  of discrimination's chronic
But gin all tastes the same when you add tonic

Shopping...Send the children back to school today
Shopping - Those teachers have had enough holidays
Shopping - It’s really revolutionary
to be in the aristocracy and go shopping

In the RCP we had such fun
We never really would’ve fired those guns
The camps we planned were not for everyone
You need have no fear. I’ll be a very nice peer

Shopping - that’s what I recommend for you
Shopping  - It’s what the best ex communists do
Shopping - that Marxist dialectic
Made life a bit too hectic. Now I’m going shopping

Even Lev Davidovitch
Would've scratched that itch 
And got rich
He’d have loved Selfridges...

Copyright Tom Morton 2020

Sunday, August 02, 2020

The Beatcroft Social 1 August 2020

Via 60 North Radio from Shetland, with Tom Morton, Clive Munro, Davie Gardner and Drew Ratter

Click here for link to Mixcloud stream.

The Staves            I’m on Fire
Bruce Springsteen        Radio Nowhere
Sinead O’Connor              Take Me to Church
Bob Dylan        I Contain Multitudes
Tom Robinson Band        Up against the Wall
The Clash             White Riot
Blue Nile                 Because of Toledo  
King Creosote        Bootprints
Sandy Posey           Are You Never Coming Home?
Sticks McGhee        My Baby’s Gone
The TourĂ©-Rachel Collective          Alla
Gerry Rafferty     Can I have My Money Back?    
JJ Cale          Cocaine
Alasdair Roberts                As I Came in by Huntly Town
Rhiannon Giddens            Better Get It Right the First Time
Natalie Merchant         After the Goldrush
Roxy Music          Like a Hurricane
Gillian Welch           Pocahontas
Admiral Fallow        Isn’t this World enough
Gary Clark            Let’s Make a Family
Frazey Ford          September Fields
Bap Kennedy         Fireworks
Will Kimbrough      I’m Not running Away
Bill Kirchen            Flip Flop
Commander Cody and the Lost Planet airmen        Mama Hated Diesels
Toby Keith              Rum is the Reason
Foy Vance              Upbeat Feel Good