And God Created Midges

And God created midges

I dreamt I went to heaven, and that’s by no means certain

I said  to God, now listen, I have a question

In all of your creation, so wondrous and rich

Why did you give Scotland the  evil of the  midge?

We could’ve had Koala bears or cockatoos

Elephants and pandas, meerkats or kangaroos

Is it that you hate us? I sometimes think you do

You made us play the bagpipes

And gave us those neighbours too

God said, oh Scotland

You are divinely blessed

Of all the countries I have made

I think that you’re the best

A few small imperfections

That’s the price you have to pay

You’re where I like to go on holiday

But I take your name in vain, I said

I scratch and itch

Due to Cullicoides impunctatus

The biting midge

I inhaled a swarm in Ullapool 

I spluttered and I coughed

And nearly poisoned myself

With Avon Skin So Soft

God said I will admit

The bagpipes were a joke

As for making men wear dresses

That was a masterstroke 

But divinity must be amused

And when I traverse the Cuillin Ridge

I enjoy infesting motorhomes with my favourite breeds of midge 

The midges keep the camper vans away

I will release a billion more today