Big southerly - post from my Substack newsletter - free to read

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A reading from It Tolls for Thee

With only a few days until publication, this is a two-minute reading in a snowy Shetland from my new book It Tolls for Thee: A guide to celebrating and reclaiming the end of life. Subtitled.

"Not only is this entertaining, but it’s important, and by the end I know it’s vital." Tim Hayward

Give Me the Jag (Not the Jab)

Give Me The Jag

I'll walk ten miles and I'll walk ten more

At two in the morning, or three or four

I don't believe it's going to do me any harm

So come on, stick that needle in my arm

Some of my friends say they're not so sure

Some pop star said that it’s impure

They smoke their tobacco and their Afghan weed

Spent their 20s off their faces on bathtub speed

I don't care if it's sore

I had the BCG 

From a drunk school nurse, but I didn’t get TB

I've had  penicillin, yellow fever, tetanus too

Been injected till my arms were black and blue

Stop waving those flags

Just give me the jag

Guy had the Pfizer, said it was great

Spent two whole days doing Windows updates

I'm going for Astra Zeneca, I'll tell you why

I've always been an Apple Mac kind of guy

Really I don't care, I'll take what I get

And you will too, I'm willing to bet

Sick of living in a World of Warcraft and Doom

I'm sick of Facetime and I'm sick of Zoom

CHORUS

And if I see you with a mask hanging round your neck again

I got a Supersoaker full of Tabasco and pakora sauce my friend

Give me the jag

That’s J A G

I don’t want no J A B

Give me the jag

Copyright Tom Morton 2021

Cut Donald Trump From Home Alone 2 (a plea)

Donald’s going to jail

Donald’s going to jail

It’s no fairy tale, you know it’s true

Donald’s going to jail

Justice will prevail

Why he was in that film I never knew

They’re cutting him from Home Alone Two

No-one’s laughing now

No-one’s laughing now

America the beautiful’s been screwed

No-one’s laughing now

He’s eaten all the sacred cows

And every single one’s been barbecued

They’re cutting him from Home Alone Two

You’ll find him at some 19th hole

He lost and now he’s skulking’

He tried to get the FBI to kill Macauley Culkin

I call on Chris Columbus

Joe Pesci and John Hughes

There’s just one thing they know they have to do

Cut Donald Trump from Home Alone 2

They’re cutting off his hair

They’re cutting off his hair

They’ll take his belt, the laces from his shoes

They’re cutting off his hair

Whatever’s really there

I don’t think he’ll be needing much shampoo

And they’re cutting him from Home Alone Two

Do it for me

And burn every print of Home Alone Three