Thursday, November 26, 2015

The West of Scotland Way

Spread the butter to the edge of the toast
That’s the way I like it most
Let it soak right in
Then lots of butter again
It makes my heart sing
It’s a West of Scotland thing

The bread? White, sliced, either plain or pan
That’s the only kind I can stand
Never wholemeal or brown
I can’t keep those down
You have to obey
What your West of Scotland body says

A grey meat pie, I always fancy that
Hot, with a crust so you can drink the fat
Chips should be soft, not hard
And always cooked in lard
That brings the sweetest joy
To every West of Scotland girl and boy

Irn Bru for breakfast, full sugar of course
And a Greggs jam doughnut, I could eat a horse
And maybe I did
That time in Madrid
It was hard to prove
Those weren’t West of Scotland hooves

And when I went to Venice
I almost died
Till I taught them that pizza
Had to be deep fried
Like Mario’s in Dumfries
Using West of Scotland grease

Benson and Hedges, tear the filters off
I need something to deal with my cough
Maybe some tonic wine
That works every time
You can keep your Beaujolais
I drink the West of Scotland way

I never walk if I can get the bus
I’m never ill, I never make a fuss
I’ve lived a good long time
I’m nearly 49
I’ve had a few good days

That’s the West of Scotland way.

BEATCROFTING, Tom's limited edition book of verse and daft prose (not incuding the above!) is available from The Beatcroft Shop.

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