My shirt is ruined! And meet Detective Chief Inspector SandieBoy Trafficking-Unit...

Note to self: Look at the Shetland credits to see if the writer of the first series of Icelandic Fat Cop

Bearded Perez thriller series Trapped is given any kudos. Because the similarities aren’t just
thematic. Leaving aside the illegal immigrant/refugee/washed-up body parts content, there’s a
copshop threesome dynamic, with an HL (Hapless Local) who in Trapped allows a prisoner to

escape due to hopeless haplessness, and Shetland (Sandy is the HL) allows a prisoner to stab
himself not-quite-fatally with a pen due to hapless hopelessness. Shoulda given him crayons,
Sandy, wax crayons. The kind you use for your reports. Stop licking your fingers,
you’ll get orange lips. Suspended, obviosusly, along with entire station. Oh. He's not. They're not.

To be fair the second series of Trapped (now on BBC4) appears to be an absolutely dreadful take

on Shetland seasons two and three, so the ‘influence’ goes both ways. Perhaps writers of doomy

northern island pseudo-Scandic drama meet periodically for brainstorming sessions on Faroe or

North Ronaldsay or, given Shetland’s propensity for faking the Shetland landscape in west central

Scotland, Wee Cumbrae.

Awright, whaur's the dinosaur gone? Embra? Whaur's yon?

Anyway, Sandy’s ruined that shirt. “Let’s give these guys some room to work, “ says Jeemy,

as the laundry operatives descend. The pen-selfie-stabber’s no’ deid! Hooray! But “he’s lost

a bit o’blood and of course I did a risk assessment! I value this shirt!”

“Inform the custody inspector! Get that shirt cleaned! Ya numptie, that was mah good pen!”

Wife in hospital, just in time for Calum to arrest. As opposed to be arrested. He’s deid.

Poor Sandy. At least he’s got a clean shirt. “This could get messy for Sandy!” What, hasn’t

he heard of Bold Biological?

I’m still going to Glasgow, says Jeemy, Ah pure need a Morton’s Roll. Aye, all right then.
Turns out Rona the Proc Fisc (oh, bring back Sutherland’s Law) has been having a do with
deid Carla. “Ye shouldie said! I’m still gawn tae Glesca.”

Here’s Olivia, wanting to pay a ransom for the return of her daughter Zezzi. “You haven’t got a clue,

Jeemy!” Naw, I need a decent flat white, ah’m oaff!”

Jeemy’s in Glesca, looking for banter, some decent batter, bad banter and some Byres Road

bohemian bean action. The production’s in Glesca because it’s cheaper to film there. For some

reason he appears out of Buchanan Street Underground like a levitating slow motion ninja. To

anyone who knows the city, this is a truly bonkers rendezvous. Jeemy’s contact -

DCI SandieBoy Trafficking-Unit (odd name, easy to confuse with Wir Sandy, and I hate hyphens)  

then walks many hundreds

of miles from a pedestrian precinct to a lane no-one can ever park in except on Sunday mornings,

when this bit was presumably filmed, and if you work for STV, which fortunately they do, even

though this is on the BBC, which is All Wrong.

First Brexit mention: Bringing in Eastern European women to marry Pakistani men so

they can get EU passports is coming to an end, so they’re busy.  Lots of social comment.

This is serious stuff. McGuire wisnae in Shetland for the fresh air. That’s a pure Taggart line,

by the way. Mark! We need you Mark! Off to see McGuire’s wife, who’s super sharp and an

estate agent. Perfect Homes. “Any decent hooses aff Wilton Street, rid sandstone, nae mair

as wan up, mah knees are knackered?” I’ll see what I can do.

Och, she’s not an estate agent, she supplies household staff. How suspicious is that?

Just use The Lady Magazine for your au pair, Jeemy, like all the other polis. Here comes  

THE BUSINESS CARD! Ah’ve goat wan and ah ken hoo tae use it. What's it say?
'Perez Counselling Services: Ah Nivvir Judge'...

Back in Shetland, Sandy’s coat’s on a shoogly nail. Shirt still clean. “Do you think I’m in trouble,

Rona?” I’ll have to wait until I’ve asked the PRC/US if you’re AC/DC or just pure DUMPED!”

Meanwhile, Jamie’s talking to Tosh about his brother Prentice. Everyone hates us. We ate
worms.

Back in Glasgow, those Chicago locations, Sunday morning again. Call from Tosh. Could

Jamie’s wounds be self inflicted? Don’t ask Cora, she’s just a pretend doctor.

Tenement close following McGuire’s wife. This is no the west end! Or it’s Yoker, and that’s TOO

west. A flat packed with illegal immigrants. No Zezzi. Is this flat for sale? Five bedrooms!

75 per cent mortgage, Jeemy: Ah’ll take it!

We’re looking for a woman with a caravan who’s got a snake with two heads. Oh, it’s a

tattoo of a snake with two heads and a caravan. It’s branding, apparently.

Back in Shetland, deid Calum’s wife is told to keep her mouth shut if she wants to see her

kids grow up. But Jeemy’s in the Radisson Blue Hotel in Glasgow (contra deal alert, free room

for somebody!) Possible Shetland squeeze phones  WITH HER HUSBAND LISTENING, and

Jeemy’s offered “always something left to love” as a summary of Gogol’s The Idiots or the new

Broons annual, or Wittgenstein's Tractatus. Jeemy wishes she was there (Glesca). She has to

go as her husband is needing a massage or a pint, or a takeaway. Dodgy sofa.

Glesca, and handily, Jeemy’s daughter is in toon. Are we heading for Taken territory? You

ain’t no Liam Neeson, Jeemy. Your skillset is pure bowfin. By the way. Like that jaikit.

Oh, Cora, shut up. Cheers for that. McGuire, first name Dougal is with Zezzi, still in Shetland

I’d guess by the state of the plasterwork. Mair Kingspan! Zezzi escapes through an

unsmashable double glazed window into the ineffably sparse landscape of Shetland.

Back in Glasgow, DCI SandyBoy Trafficking-Unit knows all about tattoos. We’re into ink.

Shetland and Sandy’s got a raging Calum’s wife to deal with. Tosh’ll talk to her. You’ll

have to contact the Independent Review Commission. Business card! What is this,

Monopoly? Do not pass Go. Do not collect any reestit mutton bannock soup.

Run, Zezzi, run! The very idea that no-one would pick up a hitcher in Shetland.

Suddenly we’re in a...castle in Scotland. A man with butterfly paintings. He’s an evil

capitalist tattooist. Do you have outhouses? Ones built on slavery for the Confederate

Army in the American Civil War? Yes! What of it?  And Zezzi is with two-headed woman

and back in the nasty pebble dashed Shetland prison. Turns out dodgy castle owner is
from Scalloway. He’s a Scallywag. Who didn’t mention the Hays. I have no idea why.
Oh, a photograph. Or something. Are they making this up in the edit suite?

Sandy’s shirt is in deeper trouble. Seems Calum’s wife is determined to have it remain
bloodied. Oh well. Olivia’s after Jamie to give him money to give to McGuire or deid
Prentice. Sandy’s depressed. There now follows a completely insane panto misunderstanding
re a date with Donnie. You wouldn’t get that in Trapped. Absolutely hilarious, but there
should've been a trombone on the soundtrack.

Jeemy’s daughter’s being threatened by Glesca neds. Haven’t we had enough of this
Big-Bad-Glasgow-Threatening-Women stuff in previous seriesesez?  

Och, let’s threaten anyway, in Kelvingrove Art Gallery and (almost completely ruined in the
redesign) Museum, bonnie lassie oh. Jeemy’ lost. Cassie’s OK.

But she’s not safe, not right now. Is it safe? IS IT SAFE? Call a dentist.
Back to Shetland. Duncan’s having a pint with Alice’s

renovating husband, who's shattered after plasterboarding. Cassie’s coming home.
The Neeson moment has passed. Liam, you have a lot to answer for, you and your skillset.

Sandy tells Morag she’s lashing out at the wrong person. He cried, he tells her. Och, no, he

TRIED. MY SHIRT! WHAT ABOUT MY SHIRT! Did Calum tell you anything at all? Calum

dealt only in men. OK.

Benson the expatriate Shetlander owns the McBay Hotel. He is a BADDIE! Despite

being a Shetlander. Impossible. Despite having a smoothie Glaswegian accent.
Jeemy, Jeemy, that’s an overreaction. Taking the eyes oot yer effin heid? Next flight home pal.
Liam would never have said that. He'd just have broken his arms, casually.

Duncan and Cassie, back in Lerook. Zezzi in the Pebble Dasherie. McGuire will

kill her if she tries to escape. Donnie and Tosh get together, apparently in a pub in Dreghorn.

Jeemy and Alice meet in the rain. It’s a snog. The husband is wallpapering, or

doing an advert somewhere. I have to go, Jeemy, there’s skirting boards to gloss!

Goodnight, sweet lady! Goodnight, goodnight...