Thursday, January 07, 2016

Dexter and me (on holiday)

Our relationship -  it’s platonic
Though your behaviour can be chronic
When people come to stay, I’ve seen you greet
Them by urinating on their feet
But your affection can’t be debated
Overrated or underestimated
Your urge to guard your territory
Is the stuff of legend and epic story
The postman used to call, now he won’t risk it
Without a pocketful of tasty biscuits
You’re roused to fury by every stranger
Each one a real and present danger
Jehovah’s Witnesses now never witness
You grip their pantaloons, and scare them witless
To watch them scurry off, there’s nothing sweeter
And no-one ever comes to read our meter
You growl through windows at any hiker
Half a mile away, you harry bikers
Pedal or motorised, they dare not dally
Or you will make them swerve down hidden alleys
Where you will chew their Gore Tex or leather
The only thing that scares you is the weather
If it’s rainy, windy or cold
Your demeanour is not quite so bold
And if you venture forth, it’s in a coat
At which your fellow canines laugh and gloat
“Just look at him” they bark, and whine and whinny
“He’s just a wimp, a shivering, hairless ninny”
Which frankly, represents strategic error
For when it’s dry you are a holy terror
You’re prone to pounce, with grim intent
On dogs both large and small, embarrassment
Ensuing, and vexation
For Rottweilers and Alsatians
Reduced to whimpering, quivering wrecks
A ball of teeth and muscle at their necks
Though blood is never drawn, or  rarely 
You prefer humiliation, inflicted fairly
Without recourse to police or SSPCA
Who might try to take you away
Though uniforms of any kind
Tend to affect your canine mind
Particularly a peaked hat
You definitely don’t like that
So police! Inspectors! Do not come near
This dog shows not a trace of fear
You may be direct, deploy a ruse
But he will pee upon your shoes
Besides, I will not let you through
The door, no matter what you do
Me and the dog, the dog and me
We will not go quietly.

Right now, though, I’m on holiday
Full of more guilt than I can say
Though I know you’re being well looked after
In a warm house full of dogs and laughter
I am concerned you may forget
Me. I will be back though. Do not fret
Though frankly, I’m the one that’s fretting 
Absence aiding and abetting
Fondness, and some relief. Who knows?

Maybe you’ll stop pissing on toes?

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