My August podcasts and columns in Scotland Correspondent Magazine

 Some of you will already be aware of my work for the free online monthly magazine Scotland Correspondent - soon to change its name to Discover Scotland.

I write a whisky column, and produce two podcasts - The Musical Correspondent, an hour long showcase for traditional and contemporary Scottish music with a folk bent, and Strange Tales From Thin Places, stories about Scotland's supernatural and monstrous mythology.

Look out for news about Discover Scotland in September.

Two weeks a Year (60 Grand Motorhome)

Two weeks a year

I was always a wanderer,  restless at heart

Ready to range and to roam

Now the road beckons me, I’m wild and free

In my new 50 grand motor home

I have Steppenwolf Springsteen and Zeppelin on my phone

I let Aly Bain and Phil Cunningham play

 I cry at Margaret’s Waltz Thunder Road, Born to Run

I weep during Thought for the Day

Two weeks a year

Two weeks a year

When I leave the driveway

I’m King of the highway 

Two weeks a year

I park up in laybys to empty my tank

I let all that waste fluid flow

I'm sure that those chemicals nourish the earth

And the mess will eventually go

I’ve got Harley, a Vintage Fat Boy

It’s in the conservatory 

I never ride it I just sit astride it

And think of places I could be

In winter I put the van safely away

wrapped in clingfilm in a heated garage

Then I sit on my Fat Boy sip single malts 

And watch videos of Nigel Farage

Two weeks a year

Two weeks a year

Any longer than that

You might as well rent a flat

Two weeks a year

20 year’s holidays 

All already paid

Copyright Tom Morton 2020

And God Created Midges

And God created midges

I dreamt I went to heaven, and that’s by no means certain

I said  to God, now listen, I have a question

In all of your creation, so wondrous and rich

Why did you give Scotland the  evil of the  midge?

We could’ve had Koala bears or cockatoos

Elephants and pandas, meerkats or kangaroos

Is it that you hate us? I sometimes think you do

You made us play the bagpipes

And gave us those neighbours too

God said, oh Scotland

You are divinely blessed

Of all the countries I have made

I think that you’re the best

A few small imperfections

That’s the price you have to pay

You’re where I like to go on holiday

But I take your name in vain, I said

I scratch and itch

Due to Cullicoides impunctatus

The biting midge

I inhaled a swarm in Ullapool 

I spluttered and I coughed

And nearly poisoned myself

With Avon Skin So Soft

God said I will admit

The bagpipes were a joke

As for making men wear dresses

That was a masterstroke 

But divinity must be amused

And when I traverse the Cuillin Ridge

I enjoy infesting motorhomes with my favourite breeds of midge 

The midges keep the camper vans away

I will release a billion more today

Scottish Teeth

Scottish teeth

For more than six months I've been waiting

But now my molars are disintegrating

I would even vote for Nicola Sturgeon

If she could provide me with a dental surgeon

Infection is inflaming my features

But they're saying: No aerosol procedures

It's my belief 

I'm suffering from Scottish teeth

I was going to go to Hungary to get some crowns

But my trip fell victim to the first lockdown

And when the toothache started I was in distress

I had no option but the NHS

I got an appointment I was going to be seen

But alas these days I live in Aberdeen

There's no relief

I'm suffering from Scottish teeth

I was raised on Black striped balls and Irn Bru

Soor Plooms, Love Hearts,McCowan's Toffee too

Double nougats and sliders with raspberry sauce

Macaroon bars and sherbet straws

Tunnocks caramel wafers and teacakes

And that special tablet my granny would make

They used to take out all your teeth in your 16th birthday

In Glasgow, that was the kind and generous way

Instead I got mercury fillings galore

The jags and the drilling were both always sore

But now I'd give anything for some oral action

I'll vote for whoever will get me an extraction

Oh good grief

I'm suffering from Scottish teeth

Copyright tom Morton 2020

Shopping (A Trotskyist's Ascent to the House of Lords)

A Trotskyist ascends to the House of Lords

(Shopping)

Clothes you throw away and never clean

Queuing up at Primark

No need for a washing machine

In Edinburgh it’s Primarque

And then it’s off to Lidl or Aldi Or Liddell  

We former Trotskyists need retail therapy as well

Shopping - It will heal the nation

Shopping - Our economy's salvation

Shopping - These days I’m never bored

Now I’m in the House of Lords I can afford to go shopping 

I got two for one deals

In Tesco just the other day

On Gordon’s, Beefeater, Bombay Sapphire and Tanqueray

I know my lack  of discrimination's chronic

But gin all tastes the same when you add tonic

Shopping...Send the children back to school today

Shopping - Those teachers have had enough holidays

Shopping - It’s really revolutionary

to be in the aristocracy and go shopping

In the RCP we had such fun

We never really would’ve fired those guns

The camps we planned were not for everyone

You need have no fear. I’ll be a very nice peer

Shopping - that’s what I recommend for you

Shopping  - It’s what the best ex communists do

Shopping - that Marxist dialectic

Made life a bit too hectic. Now I’m going shopping

Even Lev Davidovitch

Would've scratched that itch 

And got rich

He’d have loved Selfridges...

Copyright Tom Morton 2020

The Beatcroft Social 1 August 2020

Via 60 North Radio from Shetland, with Tom Morton, Clive Munro, Davie Gardner and Drew Ratter

Click here for link to Mixcloud stream.

The Staves            I’m on Fire

Bruce Springsteen        Radio Nowhere

Sinead O’Connor              Take Me to Church

Bob Dylan        I Contain Multitudes

Tom Robinson Band        Up against the Wall

The Clash             White Riot

Blue Nile                 Because of Toledo  

King Creosote        Bootprints

Sandy Posey           Are You Never Coming Home?

Sticks McGhee        My Baby’s Gone

The Touré-Rachel Collective          Alla

Gerry Rafferty     Can I have My Money Back?    

JJ Cale          Cocaine

Alasdair Roberts                As I Came in by Huntly Town

Rhiannon Giddens            Better Get It Right the First Time

Natalie Merchant         After the Goldrush

Roxy Music          Like a Hurricane

Gillian Welch           Pocahontas

Admiral Fallow        Isn’t this World enough

Gary Clark            Let’s Make a Family

Frazey Ford          September Fields

Bap Kennedy         Fireworks

Will Kimbrough      I’m Not running Away

Bill Kirchen            Flip Flop

Commander Cody and the Lost Planet airmen        Mama Hated Diesels

Toby Keith              Rum is the Reason

Foy Vance              Upbeat Feel Good