|Ah telt ye Uber works fine on Android in Denmark...sorry, Norway!|
Then it struck me (I've been churning this over all week): Tosh was checking that at least one of her three previous attempts to order an Uber on the Scandic Android app had worked! And now look what's happened. Jings, I thought for a minute there she and Jimmy were about to be kidnapped by Fascist People Carriers.
Actually, we know from the stupidity of the BBC's destroy-all-cliffhangers trail that the black vans are neither Nazis nor vengeful Uber-Ubers, intent on their fares. They are Norwegian Secret Police! Who imagined there was such a thing? Actually, in real life it's the Police Security Service, the PTT or Politiets Tryggingsteneste. Trollhunters! No, really. Try saying that with a mouthful of puffin. Tell you what, we'll just call them E15 for the show, because it sounds more like Mi5...
Captured, up an endless staircase and...welcome to counter-terrorism, led by a long haired viking type - turns out Matthias is an informer for the PTT and Jimmy and Tosh should butt out. They're on the first flight in the morning. Aye, sure.
Jimmy and blonde Norwegian policewoman do a bit of smouldering in English. Jimmy can get what they both want...and he's got Matthias's address. Next morning, hey: this isn't the way to the airport! Lovely Lars takes them to see the DNA, or the NDA, or Dan the Fascist Norskiman "I think you're going to need a translator," says Lars. Is that from New Norse or Old Norse? I don't like Lars. There's a whitrit look about him.
" Excuse me, does anybody here speak English?" That's handy. Where's Matthias? "He's no longer part of our organisation....are you threatening me? This is my country, it's not yours." Well, actually, given that Shetland was part of James III's dowry for Princess Margaret back in 1468, when Norway was Danish, I think you'll find....oh, never mind. They get an address. It's down by the docks. Of course it is.
Matthias, it's probably him anyway, cartwheels over rooftops and stray elephant seals, as parkour is compulsory in Norway and all low-budget TV thrillers involving Young People in Hoodies or Bobble Hats. The chase is on. Run, Tosh, run! Lars, hair gel needed, immediately! As for Smouldering Jimmy, he has a Scary Dark Building to slowly, oh so slowly...so very, very slowly...no, slower than that...investigate. Somebody's playing that spooky music, and they must be apprehended, because We Are Shetland Police! Look, it's a freelance journalist's office, only tidier. What's this? Well, that's a Cateye cycle computer and bits of a Joe Blow track pump, hacksawed up and....wait a minute, shouldn't this be a big round thing with the word BOMB written on it in red paint? Oh. Production couldn't get one of those, apparently. What's the Norwegian for BOMB, anyway? BOMBE apparently. That's what written on the pink Post-It note.
Lars and Tosh have lost 'Matthias' because they don't know parkour. In a dormitory, Jimmy finds a dead body - THAT is Matthias, not parkour boy. He has a notice pinned to him. 'Forrader' - it means traitor. Or fascist red herring. Or it's an IKEA flatpack (thanks Ali Wilson). Oh dear, the blonde Norskicop arrives and this could mean her job. Jimmy: "I still need his prints and her NDA...I mean DNA."
Back in Shetland, Kate and Thomas Malone have been, well, asleep. "Lizzie!" he calls out, confused (but handy, plot-wise, probably). They're TWIN SISTERS! There's a picture in his wallet of Lizzie, possibly, which Kate, or 'Kate' busily looks at. It has 'RIP' written on it. She had far too much too drink. Too right you did, dear. Malone's beard is now like a young Santa Claus's. He's drying the dishes with it. No pulley. What kind of house is this?
Jimmy's home in disgrace and coming down Commercial Street, which is one way, the wrong way. But he's a policeman, a big friendly policeman, so that's allowed. Where's Cassie? Dunno, but Second Dad is here. Is Alan still a suspect? All we can do is keep an eye on her. Dinner with Second Dad and New Wife (not Jimmy's ex, Fran, who's dead) coming up!
A sandy beach, a 'memory table' for Sally. That old Shetland tradition, like knitwear, and driving and slaughtering pilot whales. Artist Jo Halley is there. There will be drinks, though. That is a Shetland tradition. Bring me some White Wife!
Sandy to Kate, regarding daughter Molly/Dolly/Holly, traumatised after seeing the Malone/Kilmuir snogfest. "She just doesn't understand what is going on....and to be honest, neither do I." Well that makes several hundred thousand of us.
Right, Jimmy's off the Lizzie case, because he's behaved like a complete numptie for nearly four hours of prime time TV, and a Glasgow heavy mob are on their way: "A bunch of people who think we just knit jumpers up here." They're coming in the morning to investigate Lizzie's long-ago death, while Jimmy is restricted to Sally's murder. I think. Jo Halley's looking increasingly suspicious. Her email address appears on Matthias's laptop. What's that about? Jo doesn't know. They're going to have to a forensic search of the croft. With rubber gloves on, probably. And big muddy tackety boots. Because WE ARE SHETLAND POLICE.
Back to this bonkers Memory Table thing and Drew is on the beach conducting a service for his daughter which seems to involve putting messages in a bottles and waving Tibetan Buddhist prayer flags. Ah, these Shetlandic religious practices. All that's missing is the traditional use of shotguns to blow the bottles out of the water, symbolically, and then the eating of whale meat and ritual disembowelling of passing ponies. But then, Thomas Malone has them. the shotgun, not the ponies. Here he is! No guns. Konfrontation with Kate Kilmuir. "You're just like your sister." Oh ho. Significant! They're twin sisters. Or were. Identical. Or were.
Jimmy manhandles him away "Don't push your luck, you. Piss off now!" Pure dead Taggart. That beard is getting longer. Jo is watching in a sinister blue raincoated artistic fashion. She can do lip reading, you know.
Back to the police station. Alan Killin Kilmuir Killick Kirkintilloch arrives . He has an old home movie which "may have my biological dad on it". That's because EVERYBODY IN SHETLAND is in this film, including Thomas Malone. "Molly really is Lizzie's image isn't she?" Oh really? Here's a trowel, scriptwriters! In fact, here's several. Oh, and a kitchen sink.
Drunk Malone arrives too. "Nobody gives a shit about me." No we do Thomas. Stop punching the wall. You'll mess up the anaglypta. Beard is even longer. It's a Shaker beard. An Up Helly Aa beard. A ZZ Top beard.
"I think I'd be better off dead."
"Nobody's better off dead."
"I would be."
"Aye. All right then."
Cycling Lerwick-Hillswick, comes Cassie. 37 miles. Fresh as a daisy. Must be an electric bike. And back again, because she's sacked. Then Jimmy's with Kate, who "did something really stupid". Guess what that was? She recalls that Lizzie TWIN SISTER of Kate may have slept with Kevin Killick, father of Alan. Meanwhile, Thomas is following Holly/Molly/Dolly who's upset. Daughter/dad? I'm past caring.
Jo Halley seems to be obsessed with Alan Killick. She has loads of pictures of him on her computer. Bring her in, the cops cry, in case she killed Sally, and invented the Mysterious Norwegian (which would make THE ENTIRE NORWEGIAN FASCISM THING a gigantic red puffin, or herring).
Jo and her abusive husband, Robert Downing. Who the heck is he? Whose mysterious multiple dad is he? He treated her badly (she says) and she rebounded onto the nice Alan Kilmartincolm. Did she do in Sally out of jealousy? Did she invent Hansen, mysterious Norski and dodgy teen sibling band? Then who is the guy in the hotel CCTV? Hell's teeth, I don't know. My money's on Lars the Whitrit. Jimmy makes Tosh a cup of coffee but puts too much milk in it.
Tosh and Jimmy "This job is all about how you judge people."
Jimmy: "This time...will pass." Slowly, though. Very very slowly. And complicatedly. "I'm gonnie phone Jackie Reid off of Taggart for some advice," says Tosh. Because after all, there's been a murr. Durr.
Jo's back at the studio, being watched by somebody. Might be Malone. Who knows?
Molly Dolly Holly is is back with mum Kate, and very scared due to Malone following her home from school, like dads do. Kate rushes off in a Suzuki Jimny to Malone's, where she finds the nude drawings of either her or Lizzie, depending on who's actually who. If he goes anywhere near Molly/D/H again, she says "I will kill you." Just like you killed Lizzie YOUR OWN TWIN SISTER? I made that last bit up. Probably. I have not seen any previews, in case you're wondering.
Cassie may have got the sack from the wildlife sanctuary but she's still going to stick with Alan, because this is a purely platonic relationship involving seals. So that's OK. Jimmy and Cassie are at the Lodberrie in Lerwick.You can see Norway from there!
Two Dads do dinner at Duncan's posh Fjogstad kit house. Reminiscence: Kevin Killick's 30th birthday party, the one on Alan's 8mm video. Duncan was there - St Ninian's Isle. "Duncan just liked a party." Is Duncan Alan's dad? No, he was chummy with Lizzie on the film. Does he remember anything? Lizzie with an older man? It wisnae me, officer.
Back at the cop shop, who should blow in from Bergen but...Lovely Lars the Whitrit. "I always wanted to see Shetland!" He's come to take statements. He's never been before. He says. Yeah yeah.
Cassie and Jimmy talk Daphne Du Maurier and Rebecca De Winter. They're so literary. Jimmy needs to get back out on the dating market. But...but he loves Duncan. Just like Lars loves Tosh! They're in the Fjara cafe bar, which is famous for its cocktails. She gives him a lift back to his hotel. "I was coming on too strong in the pub." Yes Lars, you wee fascist, you were. He suspiciously knows a lot about Lerwick's geography. Wait a minute....was he Hansen, the Mysterious CCTV Norwegian? Tosh is taking time to trust in THE WRONG MAN. With a dubious haircut.
Back to Killick's Kilmarnock Wildlife Sanctuary. Mum and Alan falling out over Cassie. Malone is in his house burning all those pictures of Lizzie/Kate/Holly/Molly/Dolly. And then we're at Jo's, She's all alone and terrified. A light is blinking outside. Malone is out for a walk (it's not him at Jo's, obviously). Sandy and Ally in the cop shop. Jo calls and Sandy goes "to take a wee look", as it's on his way home. Alarms are going off. Somebody runs away. The place has been trashed. Someone has nicked all Ruth Brownlee's paintings! Jimmy's drinking Aberlour. And Jo's not OK. That lip reading turned out to be a right waste of time.
Pulley sightings: None. Too many modern kitchens for comfort.
Pony sightings: None. Shameful
Volvos: One, briefly. Nice, however, to see a Suzuki Jimny, a very underrated mini-four wheel-drive
Blythe Duff: almost but not quite
Framing: TV professionals says it was 'much more orthodox tonight'. The Wes Anderson vibe departs (but may return!)
More next week!
All kinds of insights and goodies on the Promote Shetland Perez pages (which I helped write!)
Tuesday, March 06, 2018
Shetland, Series Four, Episode Four: Every young fascist Scandic-terrorist villain in a hoodie knows parkour
Warning: I've been up since 5.00am and before that watched three episodes of the panic-attack-inducing 'Save Me' on Sky Atlantic. So the following may be some sort of hallucination.
At the end of last week's episode, (of 'Shetland', available on iPlayer), Tosh makes a call on her mobile, which rings out. She puts it away and she and Jimmy, walking in the Bergen twilight, are then Afflicted With Mysterious And Threatening Vans. Point is, we know they have European Zone Roaming on their phones (which works in non-EU Norway but will clearly be renegotiated as part of Brexit). Now, you would think even a couple of hapless wandering hick cops would know that the emergency number in Norway for the police is 112. Do they dial desperately for help from Lovely Lars? Of course not!