The Nominated Driver
A shorter version was written for Shetland Library's 'Bards in the Bogs' scheme, but the site specific nature of the poem probably told against it: it can only be displayed at the Voe toilets, an important, nay crucial staging post on the long road, the A970, between Lerwick and the North Mainland, especially if drink has been taken on board in Coalfishreek. This is part of the live show Tom Morton's Drinking for Scotland, booked for the Belladrum Festival's Co-op Verb garden. And possibly elsewhere in due course.
THE NOMINATED DRIVER
The nominated driver sits
And most deliberately shits
It's three AM, midsummer, Voe
He didn't really need to go
And this is most unsalubrious
The graffitti extremely dubious
The chauffeur needed to take a break
Though agreeing to drive was no mistake
He's never really liked the drink
With it, he finds, he just can't think
Straight, crooked, birly - any way
So sober, now, he likes to stay
And sometimes, he'll take his friends to town
And watch them pour the draught beer down
Their conversation, brilliant or slight
To him all just the purest shite
He sips his iced Coke, a dash of bitters
A cocktail found in literature
In Raymond Chandler's Marlowe thrillers
Drunk by the hero, not the killers
And not by Chandler, to tell the truth
Who died a hopeless, gibbering drouth
(A different Chandler from the one in Friends
Though they may come to similar ends)
Anyway, tonight, they went
to Posers, until the cash was spent
And now they're heading home, to Brae
Next week, though, he'll make them pay
For valeting his car, the bonnet
Even now is smeared with vomit.
And the back seat is soaked in piss
They aimed for a cider can and missed
So. In the crapper at Upper Voe
It's nearly time for him to go
They're singing Hank Williams and Steve Earle
Dreaming of missed chances with girls
They'll remember nothing of this night
The falling down, being sick, the fights
But the nominated driver will
In the toilet he's writing still
In his notebook, with great care
All sorts of things are detailed there
For staying sober there are compensations
He retains a wealth of information
All documented, filed and stored
Ready to settle any score
So never underestimate
Sobriety's capacity to hate
Always suspect that teetotal bloke
If he puts bitters in his Coke.
1 comment:
Most excellent! Thank you.
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