Monday, July 29, 2019

Helpful tips for Airbnb guests from an occasionally aggrieved host (Warning - may cause offence)

1 - You are not obliged to use every clean towel in the building. Especially if it’s just you and you’re only staying two nights

2 - Checkout is 10am for a reason. It’s so we can clean the apartment, change linen and wash and dry 27 used towels before the next folk arrive at 3.00pm. So, no, “we assumed it was noon” isn’t good enough. Similarly, arriving at 10.30am and expecting to move in immediately is not going to work. See above.

3 - Towels again. They are not a substitute for toilet paper.

4 - I’m sorry you felt the need to remove and wash every plate, pan, knife, fork  and cup (100 objects of kitchenalia) as they ‘did not meet your standards of cleanliness.’ They were all autoclaved before you arrived.

5 - The description and pictures in the listing are accurate. You didn’t read or look properly though, did you?

6 - I’m glad you enjoyed swimming in the sea and walking around in your bare feet. Vacuuming the sand and grit left in the flat would have been appreciated. But thanks for adding to the coastal atmosphere.

7 - Bed linen. That cupboard contains sheets and duvet covers for the next guests. You don’t need to change the bedclothes nightly.

8 - Do not try to cook salmon in the dishwasher.

9 - Do not leave the mackerel you caught that first day in the fridge as a gift for us when you leave.

10 - I apologise for the weather but possibly you should have done some research

11 - I’m sorry about the ‘humidity’ in the flat. See above re weather

12 - That curry you made still smells...interesting. No need to send the recipe. I don’t like whelks.

13 - There’s a list of instructions regarding recycling and rubbish disposal. Do not sneak into the neighbour’s garden at night to use their bins. I know those dogs are unexpectedly large and move quickly.

14 - Glass and can recycling is down the road about 100 metres. Do you recommend Buckfast and Relentless as a tonic in such quantities? I prefer Sanatogen and Lucozade.

15 - The toilet. It has now been unblocked.

16 - The shower. The drain has now been unblocked. The hair has been carefully dried and is being sold to a wig maker.

17 - Kitchen knives. I’m sorry you felt they were ‘too sharp’. This is because they are knives.

18 - I’m sorry you didn’t see any otters. They were around. I saw one stealing the chicken carcass you left on the beach ‘for the birds’.

19 - I'm so glad you liked that bottom bed sheet enough to steal it, or do whatever it is you've done with it.

20 - Thank you for downloading so much unidentifiable ‘dark web’ material on the free WiFi that it has now stopped working and we’ve had a visit from the police.

21 - I hope you enjoyed Shetland. I understand Peterhead is interesting in winter and the accommodation commodious and well supervised.

22 - It would be helpful if we could identify those marks on the ceiling. The health authorities have been alerted.

Copyright Tom Morton 2019

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